


If You Love Me

by quill_and_ink



Series: A Shot at Happiness [9]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 10:22:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20580947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quill_and_ink/pseuds/quill_and_ink
Summary: "You gave me that Omamori charm that I carry with me every day. It was after our night in Tokyo. We were at the Palace Hotel. And we kissed on the terrace. And then you -"Magnus has been trapped in Valentine's body following Azazel's curse, dragging centuries-old memories to the surface as he desperately tries to convince Alec of the truth.Based on the dialogue and actions from "Shadowhunters" Episode 2x12: "You Are Not On Your Own"





	If You Love Me

**Author's Note:**

> By the _Angel_, life's a bitch when it gets crazy. I did not intend on putting this series on hold for so long, but we're back! Time to play with my favorite boys again. *cuddles*
> 
> Minor warning for mild but unintentional self-harm towards the end.
> 
> Majority of the dialogue comes from "Shadowhunters" Episode 2x12: "You Are Not On Your Own"
> 
> I own none of these characters. I just like to borrow them from time to time to play. Unbetaed, all errors are mine. Comments and kudos are eternally loved and appreciated! <3

"Please... please, I'm... I'm not... I'm not..."

He groaned softly, tilting his head away from the harsh yellow light shining upon him from the corner of the cell. They never turned it off, never turned it down, never turned it away, silhouetting the camera that watched his every move. It leached beneath his eyelids, fiery tendrils burning deep into his retinas no matter how tightly he squeezed them shut. Time bled together - minutes, hours, days, months, years, he had no idea how long he'd been locked up. For all he knew, another four hundred centuries had gone by, slipping past him with each spotlight-seared blink.

He'd tried pleading, shouting, wheedling, convincing, despondently begging for someone to listen, to believe him, to release him. He'd screamed, sobbed, and cajoled, desperate for the tiniest ounce of humanity from his captors. Deep down inside, in the part of him that was still him, he knew there was no hope. It had been proven time and time again. The Clave, notoriously brutal as he'd always known them to be, ignored him, choosing instead to inflict this solitary torture upon him without ever laying a finger upon his person.

His _person_.

He glanced down at his hands yet again, as he'd done so frequently throughout his imprisonment, wrenching his eyes open and squinting blearily until his vision steadied. His hands, _these hands_, were foreign to him. Fingers rough with calluses, nails dull and torn to the quick, skin streaked and stained with both grime and sheer evil. A wave of fury coupled with hopeless frustration crashed over him, washing away the exhaustion and apathy that had been dragging him closer to surrendering to his fate. _This will not be my end._ He yanked off his shoe and surged to his feet, glaring up at the emotionless camera, his rage stoked hotter as he pictured those mindless sycophants on the other end of that transmission watching him like some zoo animal. He gritted his teeth and hurled his shoe at the camera lens.

"I know you're listening!" he shouted, his gaze fixed on the lens as his ears picked up the quiet whir of the zoom. "Please, I'm not Valentine, I'm Magnus Bane!"

The bright overhead lights suddenly flashed on as the cell door opened with a crash. Magnus whirled around, his heart aching as Alec, _his_ Alec, hurtled inside, and for one brief, ecstatic moment, Magnus believed he was there to help get him out. Then his gaze landed on the fire etched across Alec's face and a sob welled up inside of him. _No, no, no, no, please, Alec, no..._

Alec stormed across the cell and slammed Magnus into the far wall, his arms pressing into Magnus's chest to keep him in place. "That's enough!" he ordered, the full power of the heaven-blessed warrior surrounding him. Magnus grasped at Alec's arm in a desperate attempt to both keep upright and to ground himself, to remind himself that even when the Shadowhunter was glaring at him like that, Alec still loved Magnus. That was all that was keeping Magnus going, and he knew he had to do everything he possibly could to convince Alec of the truth.

"Oh, Alexander, thank God you're here," Magnus gasped out breathlessly, his fingers tight against Alec's arm as he gazed up at his Shadowhunter, tears pricking at his eyes. "You have to listen to me -"

"No, _you_ listen to me!" Alec shouted. Magnus fought back a flinch at Alec's fury; he had to remind himself that _he_ wasn't the target of Alec's rage, but Valentine. "This sick game of yours is over."

"It's not a game," Magnus whispered, shaking his head, never moving his eyes from Alec's. "I know it sounds crazy, but I'm not Valentine." He reached out, his hand squeezing Alec's shoulder, trying desperately to transmit some sense of the familiar into the motion, to tangibly convince Alec of the truth. "I am Magnus. Azazel switched us with a curse. _Unum ad Unum._"

Disgust filled Alec's gaze as he stared back at Magnus. "You're insane." Somehow, the soft, gentle tone of his voice was more terrifying than the shouting. He gave Magnus a small shove and tried to step away, clearly intent on walking out of the cell. _No... no!_ Magnus flexed his fingers against the firm muscle of Alec's arm.

"You gave me that Omamori charm that I carry with me every day. It was after our night in Tokyo," he breathed, love flooding his heart as memories flooded his mind. Alec's eyes narrowed and he fought to break Magnus's grip. They grappled for a moment, Magnus frantic to keep that physical connection, until Alec pushed Magnus back against the wall, his hand planted in the center of Magnus's chest to hold him at bay. Alec stared at Magnus, confused anger filling his beautiful face as Magnus continued, "We were at the Palace Hotel. And we kissed on the terrace. And then you -"

"Stop," Alec ordered, but Magnus needed this, needed to convince his Shadowhunter of who he truly was.

"And then you took me in -"

"_Stop!_" Magnus felt devastation wrap around his soul as Alec stepped away, keeping his hand outstretched towards Magnus, holding him at arm's length. "How do you know these things?"

"Because... it's _me_, Alexander," Magnus insisted, tears filling his eyes, his lip trembling as he begged Alec to believe him, to save him. "The day of Valentine's massacre, you told me that you loved me. So if you love me, please. _Please_, you have to believe me," he pleaded. They stared at each other for an eternity, Magnus baring his heart to Alec and hoping their love would ring true. He reached out for Alec's hand. "Alexan -" Alec slapped his hand away and roughly pushed him back against the wall once more before he stepped away, his hand still held out as a warning.

"Just... stop," Alec demanded in a whisper, glaring at Magnus before he turned briskly and strode out of the cell without a backwards glance.

"Alexander!" Magnus called out, his voice a broken sob as the cell door slammed shut behind Alec. As soon as the door closed, the overhead lights switched back off, once again leaving Magnus alone with nothing but the soulless camera and its accompanying yellow light for cellmates. Tears slipped free, cascading unchecked down his cheeks as he slid to the floor, despair washing over him. "No, no, no... Alexander, you loved me... you said you loved me..." he moaned softly, squeezing his eyes shut.

As though cursing him with the unattainable, Magnus's mind returned to that Tokyo trip, the one where Magnus knew he was falling in love - far too soon and far too quickly, but that had never stopped him before. Magnus had treated Alec to a day of shopping, sightseeing, and incredible foods. His heart had leapt every time Alec had looked at him, his eyes soft and wondering when Magnus twined his fingers in his own. They'd stayed at one of Magnus's favorite hotels in the country, specifically for the view that it offered, city lights and stars sparkling as far as the eye could see. Alec had stood behind Magnus, wrapping himself around the warlock, holding him tightly, their fingers laced together, as they just stood and observed the bustling sea of humanity spread out before them.

Magnus remembered melting into the Shadowhunter behind him, never once in his life feeling safer than he had in that moment. Alec's breath gently stirred Magnus's hair as he pressed his cheek against Magnus's temple. Magnus had grinned sappily before turning his head to gaze up at Alec, only to find Alec already smiling softly down at him. Magnus closed his eyes as Alec pressed a kiss to Magnus's forehead before capturing his lips in a dizzying kiss. Magnus twisted in Alec's arms, pressing himself against the Shadowhunter and looping his arms around Alec's neck.

"I feel like I could kiss you forever," Alec confessed, ducking his head.

"I'd certainly let you," Magnus whispered, sifting his fingers through Alec's hair. Alec smiled sheepishly.

"Sometimes I can't believe you're real," he murmured, his arms tightening around Magnus.

"Oh, darling, trust me, I'm very real and very yours."

Alec tugged him back inside and kicked the French doors shut behind him as they tripped and stumbled towards the bed, gracelessly tumbling onto the gold-embroidered ivory covers. They'd kissed for hours, some fervent and passionate, others slow and wandering. Magnus had carefully divested Alec of his jacket and t-shirt, his hands smoothing over the wealth of skin revealed, polished nails scratching softly through the coarse sprinkling of hair on Alec's sculpted chest. He'd traced over the runes on Alec's chest and shoulders, lips lingering over scars old enough to be forgotten and those more recent.

He'd let Alec push him down, slowly releasing each button on his shirt, pressing a kiss to each new sliver of skin revealed as though he were savoring unwrapping a present on Christmas morning. They'd spent the night in each other's arms, trading stories and promises, kisses and sighing breaths, until the sun began to rise, but Magnus didn't let them move any further. He'd wanted Alec to be completely comfortable and ready for their first time together, not overwhelmed and rushing into it because they were in a beautiful, romantic locale. And he had. Magnus wouldn't have traded their time together for anything in the world.

"Come back to me, my Alexander," he whispered softly, tilting his head back against the unforgiving cement wall.

* * *

Magnus sat on the thin mattress, slumped over, his hands still shackled together, the after-effects of the agony rune still racking his body. A cold sweat had dried on his skin and he shivered in the chill air of the cell. Flashes of his mother's face haunted him, shimmering in front of his eyes as he relived the worst moment of his life over and over again. He squeezed his eyes closed, mentally running through his memorized catalogue of Alec's smiles and laughs, the knowledge of Alec's love helping to lift him above the despair that clutched desperate fingers at him. He heard the clank of the door lock moments before the lights flipped on and the cell door swung open to reveal Alec and Imogen Herondale stepping inside, the Inquisitor fixing Magnus with a fierce glare.

"Put him in the chair," the Inquisitor ordered brusquely. Alec's eyes were focused on Magnus, strong brow furrowed, a trickle of doubt glimmering in his hazel depths.

"Alexander, what's happening?" Magnus asked, exhaustion draining all volume from his voice.

"Now," Imogen added before Alec had a chance to respond. Alec glanced over at her as though seeking some confirmation before his gaze returned to Magnus.

"No..." Magnus moaned, staring pleadingly up at Alec as his Shadowhunter approached. "No, no. Please. Please don't do this," he begged, even as Alec slid his hands under Magnus's arms and half-carried, half-dragged him over to the chair bolted into the center of the room, the chair where the agony rune had been applied to his skin seemingly moments before. "Don't. Don't do this. Please don't do this!"

"Gag him," the Inquisitor interrupted, standing next to Magnus, her face filled with self-righteous satisfaction.

Magnus's breath was coming now in sharp gasps. "Alexander, what are you doing? Please, don't -" Alec, his beautiful Alec, stepped forward then and wrapped a thick gag around his mouth, muffling his words as he forced out, "Please! Please, don't do this! Please!" As Alec stepped away, his fingers brushed hauntingly, barely there, over the back of Magnus's neck, and a brief flare of hope sparked within Magnus. Alec _had_ to know it was him, he just _had_ to...

"My son is dead because of you," Imogen accused, standing over Magnus and glaring down at him. Magnus looked desperately over at Alec, silently begging the Shadowhunter to save him. "And it's been twenty-three years, and the pain just never goes away. Guard the entrance," she instructed Alec, never once looking away from Magnus. Alec glanced between Imogen and Magnus, looking as though he intended to protest.

"Alexander, please," Magnus whispered, hoping against all hope that Alec could understand him around the gag and would at long last believe him. Alec stared back at him for a long moment, the tiny crease of worry present between his brows, the one that Magnus loved to kiss away. Then he turned and walked away from Magnus, each step a nail in the coffin that enclosed Magnus's heart. Unable to bear the sight of Alec leaving him to die, Magnus's eyes slid closed and his head dropped in defeat. This was it. Alec had abandoned him. He was going to die here, in Valentine's body, and no one would even know it was him.

"I'm normally not one to carry out death sentences myself, but I have to admit, I'll take pleasure in this," Imogen whispered as she pulled a seraph dagger from her suit jacket.

"Please, please don't," Magnus begged her, tears slipping into the filthy fabric of the gag. "I'm not Valentine, I'm Magnus Bane, _please!_"

"Your lies won't save you," she told him, her voice ice cold as she lifted the dagger, its razor-sharp edge advancing closer to the thin skin of Magnus's throat.

"No, don't, please - Alexander, _please!_" Magnus screamed into the gag, tears blurring his vision just as the door slammed back open and a strong hand landed on his shoulder.

"Stop! Stop! Whoa, stop!" Alec interjected, his free hand clapping down on Imogen's wrist and protectively angling his body towards Magnus. "It's not Valentine."

"What are you talking about?" Imogen demanded, her grip white-knuckled on the blade. Alec's only response was to glance at the window, his fingers pressing tightly into Magnus's shoulder.

"You've taken my light..." The Inquisitor's face paled and she spun to face the figures standing beyond the cell. Magnus's eyes widened when he saw Valentine, in his own body, flickering in and out of view with Jace chained at his side. "Your darkness will come."

"What did you say?" Imogen whispered disbelievingly. Alec's fingers trembled against Magnus's neck as he fumbled with the gag, tugging the knot free.

"I'm repeating your words back to you," Valentine announced magnanimously. Imogen strode briskly from the cell as Alec pulled the gag from Magnus's mouth, tossing it to the ground and kneeling in front of him. Magnus sucked in a deep sob of relief as Alec pulled out his stele, activating the runes on the bonds shackling his wrists.

"Magnus, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry," Alec kept repeating as he shakily pulled the cuffs free of Magnus's wrists, rubbing his fingers over the chafed skin beneath. "I can't believe I - _God_, if I had let her keep going -"

"You didn't, you came back for me, you saved me," Magnus whispered as Alec pulled him to his feet and into his arms. He twisted his fingers into the back of Alec's jacket and buried his face into the crook of Alec's neck, feeling like he could breathe for the first time in days.

"I'll _always_ come back for you," Alec promised, squeezing Magnus tighter against him. "I love you. I'll never walk away from you again, I swear."

"Mr. Bane." The Inquisitor's sharp voice cut straight through Magnus and he flinched in Alec's arms. Alec looked over at her, keeping one arm firmly around Magnus's waist. Magnus glanced up to see the intimidating woman standing in the doorway of the cell. "You have one hour. You're going back to your apartment. Valentine is waiting there with Jace. You're to switch yourselves back into your own bodies, then do whatever you need to do to ensure Jace's safety."

"I'm going with him," Alec stated, fingers pressing into Magnus's side.

"No, you're not," Imogen responded dismissively, turning away.

"What - yes. Yes, I am," Alec told her stubbornly. "I'm not leaving Magnus to face Valentine alone."

"You can and you will, Mr. Lightwood, by order of the Inquisitor. Or would you prefer to lose your _parabatai_ instead?" she asked him. "The warlock goes alone, and now, or your _parabatai_ will die." With that, she turned and strode out of the cell, her heels clicking with finality as she walked towards the elevator at the far end of the hallway.

"Alexander, if he has Jace, we have to get him back," Magnus murmured, catching sight of his reflection in the window and grimacing. "Plus, I refuse to live looking like Valentine. His skincare routine must be nonexistent."

"Magnus, this isn't a joke," Alec protested.

"I know that, and I'm not joking. I feel like I'm cringing away from this skin. I'm losing who I am," Magnus explained softly. "I need to be me again. And I'm the only one who can switch us back."

Alec glanced away, but the firm set of his jaw told Magnus he was relenting. "I don't like it, but we don't have a choice," he said finally, glancing down at the floor. "I'm just worried about you. I don't want you to get hurt."

"I'll be fine," Magnus reassured him faintly.

Alec fixed him with a gaze that seemed to reach into his soul. "Magnus -"

"I'm _fine_."

Alec's lips pressed together as Magnus cut him off. "If you say so. But I'm going to be there just in case."

"Alexander -"

"No, Magnus. There's no arguing this," Alec told him fiercely. "I'm not going to lose you."

Magnus stared up at his warrior for a long moment before nodding solemnly. "Then let's get going, Shadowhunter. Time is running short, and I want to finish this."

* * *

Magnus slowly walked down the hall towards his loft, his hands bound before him once again as Valentine had instructed, never in his life feeling as much like an outsider as he did at this moment. He stood in front of the door, staring for a moment at the _PH 1_ marking his home, before he lifted his hand and knocked. The door swung open to reveal Valentine standing in the doorway. The utter bizarreness of staring at himself raced through Magnus, leaving him dizzy and light-headed as Valentine stared back at him, barely-concealed contempt twisting his lips.

"I came alone. Per your demand," Magnus said in greeting, praying to all the Princes of Hell that his Shadowhunter escorts stayed well-hidden.

"Of course you have," Valentine retorted, grabbing Magnus's arm and yanking him into the loft. Even in a Shadowhunter's body, Magnus could still feel the flare of magic as Valentine raised the wards with a swift motion, and his very being yearned to be connected with that magic once again, to feel it bend to his will and crackle at his fingertips. The door slammed shut behind him and his bonds fell away with a snap of Valentine's fingers. Valentine ushered Magnus into his own home with a curt nod of his head towards a table set up in the entryway with potion ingredients spread out on its surface. Jace stood just beyond the table, glaring fiercely at Valentine.

"You used Jace to get me here," Magnus noted, keeping a steady eye on Valentine. "Now let him go."

Valentine nodded faintly, turning towards Jace. He thrust the heel of his palm out, sending a fiery orange ball of magic at the enraged Shadowhunter, hurling him into the spare bedroom moments before the bedroom door slid shut. Magnus felt a shout catch in his throat as Valentine turned back towards him, as though daring him to protest Jace's treatment, before he swirled an arm to create a portal just behind Magnus.

"The first person who leaves here is me," Valentine dictated quietly, a threatening undercurrent coloring his voice. "Now... you can do the honors," he added, nodding down at the potion book on the table.

For the slightest split second of time, Magnus considered refusing, the thought of playing the role of Valentine's willing helper nauseating, but the desire to return to himself overpowered that hesitation. He knew he could do more harm to Valentine and offer more assistance to Alec and the Clave when he was in his own body, with his magic and all of his abilities. He brushed his hands together before picking up a pinch of crushed lavender from one of the bowls, sprinkling it over the potion stock already waiting for him.

Magnus threw himself into the comfortable familiarity of potion-brewing, nearly forgetting that Jace's life rested on his speed and success. His fingers flew over the table, adding ingredients as needed, never measuring, relying on his centuries of knowledge to guide the way. In short order and with a quick stir, the potion settled into a muddy green color. Magnus ladled servings of the potion into two crystal glasses, catching Valentine's eye for a moment as he reached for the Edomite salt for an extra burst of potency. Valentine's hand suddenly caught Magnus's wrist in a vice-like grip.

"You try to stall... with a flick of my finger, Jace dies," Valentine promised.

A brief wave of fury washed over Magnus and he yanked his hand free of Valentine's grasp. Biting back his scorn and abandoning the salt, he passed one of the glasses to Valentine, lifting the other into his hands. "_Reddite animas nostras_," he chanted, reciting the spell listed out in the potion book.

"_In earum corpora_," Valentine finished. They both drank the potions down in one gulp. Magnus barely fought back a grimace at the bitter taste as he placed the glass back down onto the table. He glanced up at Valentine, waiting and desperately hoping that the potion would work.

Magnus felt it then - like lightning streaking through his veins, warming him from within as magic coursed through his body. His back arched and his arms flung wide as he felt his soul being pulled from the prison into which Azazel had forced it. His feet left the ground as the spell surged and grew, surrounding both him and Valentine as it tugged their souls from each other's bodies. He had no idea how long they hovered there in mid-air, the magic pulling and twisting and wrestling the two souls between them. Then, with a gasp, he dropped to the ground.

Suddenly exhausted, his eyes peeled open and he struggled to his hands and knees. He stared at his hands for a moment - _his own hands_ \- his fingers bejeweled and polished, before becoming acutely aware of Valentine next to him. He looked over to see Valentine staring back at him, eyes wide, before leaping to his feet. Without a second thought, Magnus grabbed Valentine's arm, yanking him back from the active Portal. Valentine fought back against him, teeth bared as he attempted to rip his arms from Magnus's grip. A burst of magic shattering the wards surrounding his loft distracted Magnus and Valentine pulled away just as the front doors flew open, admitting Alec, Clary, and Sebastian Verlac.

Magnus's eyes widened as Valentine slipped from his fingers, and sprinted towards the Portal. "Alexander!" He stumbled and fell to the ground, glancing up in time to see Clary tackle Valentine, carrying the both of the through the Portal to Lilith only knew where.

"Magnus! Magnus, are you okay? Are you hurt?" Alec was there in front of him, strong hands gripping his arms and steadying him, eyes wide as they scoured him for any injuries. After spending what had seemed like an eternity in Valentine's body, it felt... almost strange to be himself again. His skin prickled and he glanced down at his hands, wondering what kind of evil they'd wrought while under Valentine's control. Dizziness swept over him and he squeezed his eyes shut, pressing the heel of his palm into his forehead. "Magnus, talk to me. What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm fine, nothing," Magnus gasped out, waving off Alec's concern, the care and love in Alec's voice stifling when all he wanted to do was _breathe_. "Jace... Jace is in the bedroom. You should go to him."

Always his stubborn Shadowhunter, Alec refused to leave, looking over at Sebastian. "I'm already on it," the newcomer stated from halfway down the hallway.

"Alexander, I'm _fine_," Magnus protested when Alec turned his attention back to him, pushing Alec's hand away from him and climbing unsteadily to his feet. He glanced down, grimacing at the piles of shattered glass and wasted potion ingredients strewn onto the floor as a result of the struggle, and sighed heavily.

"Hey, Magnus, please," Alec interjected. His hand caught Magnus's waist and he drew slowly closer as though approaching a wild animal. Magnus pressed his lips together as Alec pulled him against his chest, his hands spread wide across Magnus's back as he held him tightly. Magnus's fingers gripped the back of Alec's jacket and he dropped his forehead onto Alec's shoulder, exhaling shakily as he felt some of the tension twisting his muscles begin to deep away.

"Alec!"

Alec grumbled inaudibly as he pulled away, turning to face the irate Shadowhunter storming into the room. "Jace, are you all right?"

"Nothing an _iratze_ couldn't fix," Jace responded easily brushing off the concern. He eyed Magnus warily. "How do I know you're actually the real Magnus?"

"Seriously?!" Alec demanded, stepping protectively in front of the warlock as Magnus placed a steadying hand on Alec's arm.

"Yes, seriously. Valentine fooled us for days, what if he's still doing it?" Jace retorted, leaning over to glare at Magnus. "If you're truly Magnus Bane, what's the first thing you ever said to me in this apartment?"

Magnus rolled his eyes. "I called Alec prettier than you and you, in all your egotistical glory, somehow couldn't fathom a world in which that was the truth."

A wide grin split Jace's face and he shrugged. "Not exactly the first thing, but this is definitely the real Magnus. Good to have you back, buddy."

Magnus rolled his eyes. "_Et tu_, Shadowhunter."

"Uh, not to interrupt the reunion, but I just got a text from Clary," Sebastian announced, holding up his phone. "Brilliant girl Portalled them back into the cell in the Institute. Valentine - the _real_ Valentine - is back in custody."

"Excellent. We should get back over there," Jace said, glancing around at them all.

Magnus swirled his arm without a moment's hesitation, glancing away from the group. "Off you go then, Nephilim. Give Valentine my worst." Jace and Sebastian immediately stepped through the Portal, eager to witness Valentine's incarceration.

"Close the Portal, Magnus," Alec told him softly. "I'm staying here."

"Alexander, I'm perfectly fine," Magnus responded softly, glancing down at the mess on his floor once again. The thought of cleaning it up exhausted him; he felt drained and depleted, and even just lifting his head to look at Alec seemed to take an excessive amount of energy.

"I'm staying. With you," Alec insisted stubbornly. He spun on his heel and disappeared into Magnus's study.

Magnus sighed. He felt itchy and unsettled, his skin prickling uneasily. He scratched absently at his wrist where the agony rune had been applied. He glanced down and pushed his sleeve back, half-expecting to see the rune red and raw on his skin and finding nothing but smooth skin. He heard Alec's footsteps approaching and hurried into the spare bedroom, rushing into the attached bathroom. He pushed his sleeve further up and examined his arm again, concern growing when he noted the reddish tint. Was it still there, hidden beneath the uppermost layers of his skin and just waiting to reappear? He twisted the faucet on and let the cool water cascade over his wrist.

"Magnus?"

"Just a moment!" he called back as he turned the water off and dried his wrist, examining it closely before he tugged his sleeve back into place. He glanced up at himself in the mirror, grimacing at the sallow cast to his skin, wan and tired. He pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut to stave off a sudden well of tears. _You're not Valentine, you're safe at home, Alec is here with you, you're safe,_ he repeated silently, clenching his hand into a fist when another trickle of discomfort crawled over his wrist. _You don't have the rune. It's all in your head._ He exhaled shakily, giving his reflection one last glance before turning away.

He walked back out of the bedroom, rubbing his forehead to try and keep his impending headache at bay. Alec had retrieved the small trash bin that typically lived next to his desk and was kneeling on the floor, cleaning up the pile of shattered ingredient bottles and glasses that littered the floor. Magnus walked silently past Alec and carefully sat down on the couch, staring down at his hands, twisting them together to hide the slight tremble that refused to settle. Fatigue weighed heavily on his limbs and mind, and all he wanted was sleep.

"Magnus, I am so sorry for everything you had to go through," Alec told him quietly, standing suddenly in front of him. Magnus kept his gaze trained on the ground, knowing that if he looked up at Alec, the tears that threatened to overwhelm him would finally spill and he wasn't sure if he would ever be able to staunch the flow. He shook his head slightly, gritting his teeth together.

"That agony rune... made me relive memories I've spent... _centuries_ trying to forget," Magnus whispered as Alec settled onto the cushion next to him.

"Magnus, tell me how to fix this," Alec pleaded. "Just tell me what to do. Please." The desperation in Alec's voice get like a knife in Magnus's heart. He glanced over at Alec, but words failed him and he could do nothing but shake his head as a sob welled up in his throat.

"I don't..." Magnus's voice broke and he inhaled sharply, nails digging into his palms. Alec was right there, gathering Magnus's hands in his own and prying his fingers apart, twining their fingers together to protect the soft skin of Magnus's palms. The Shadowhunter tugged Magnus closer and Magnus laid his head down onto Alec's shoulder, tucking his face into Alec's neck. He sighed when Alec rested his cheek against Magnus's forehead, the weight welcome and centering.

"Let me be here for you," Alec whispered, pressing a light kiss into Magnus's hair. "You're always there for everyone else. Let me be that for you."

"You're always that for me," Magnus murmured, his gaze focused on their entwined fingers resting on their legs, polished and calloused and ringed and bow-scarred, things that shouldn't go together somehow looking so perfect, combined to create something beautiful. He lifted one of Alec's hands and brushed his lips over the marred knuckles before holding it against his heart.

"Come on," Alec said after a few quiet moments, pulling Magnus to his feet. "Cleaning all of this up can wait until tomorrow. You need sleep."

"I need a shower first," Magnus corrected. "The Clave isn't exactly big on allowing prisoners basic hygienic care, so a shower is a priority."

He let Alec lead him into his bedroom, a brief flicker of a smile crossing his face when Alec slid the jacket from his shoulders and brushed a kiss over his temple. "Are you going to be okay?" Alec asked as he pulled back, his brow creased in concern. Magnus reached up and smoothed his thumb over the tiny furrow.

"I've been managing my hygiene for over four hundred years, Alexander," he quipped. "I can manage a shower, I promise you."

"That's not -"

Magnus silenced the protest with a kiss. "Just... will you stay?"

"Of course," Alec responded immediately. "Always."

Magnus smiled softly at him, brushing his fingers over Alec's strong cheekbone as he stepped away and walked into the bathroom, carefully closing the door behind him. He turned the shower on and methodically peeled his clothes off, dropping them onto the ground as the water heated up. He felt some inexplicable urge to do everything without magic, as though repentant for what Valentine might have done while masquerading as him.

He sighed as he entered the shower, the near-scalding heat beginning to wash away the knots gathered in his every muscle. The scorching water was like a balm, cleansing him of the griminess that was sticking to his every cell. He felt dirty, tainted, by Valentine's presence in his body. He lathered up a washcloth and attacked his skin, scrubbing at his limbs like he could scrub away the layer of disgust that coated his movements.

He swept the washcloth over his wrist and gasped when a flare of pain burst from the site. He dropped the washcloth to the ground and stared in horror at his skin, terror welling up within him as his eyes traced over the faint outline of the rune, barely visible within the reddened area. "No, no, no, no... no, it's not possible," he gasped out. He brushed his fingers over the rune and shuddered when pain streaked through him again.

His knees suddenly weak, he leaned back against the wall of the shower and slid to the ground as the nails of his other hand dug into the rune, providing a sharp counterpoint of pain. "I have to get it off," he mumbled, his mind going blank as his nails scraped over the rune. He suddenly felt nothing, as though he were watching himself from a distance. He sat on the floor of the shower, burning hot water cascading over him as he absently scratched at his wrist, staring blankly at the far wall of the shower, his nails digging harder and harder with each pass, determined to remove the rune from his skin at any cost.

"Magnus!"

He heard Alec's from a distance, as though they were standing at opposite ends of a tunnel. He blinked slowly as his fingernails dragged through his skin once more.

"Magnus, stop - stop!" Alec was there in front of him, heedless of the water drenching his clothes as he wrapped broad hands around Magnus's wrists.

"No, let go of me, I need to get it off," Magnus protested, tugging his arms towards him in an attempt to break Alec's grip.

"Magnus, there's nothing there," Alec insisted. "You're hurting yourself. Look at me - Magnus, look at me, come on," he urged, kneeling closer and holding Magnus's hands to his chest. Magnus blinked once, twice, and gasped when a sharp pain burst through his wrist.

"Alexander, the rune, it's still there, I need to get it off!" he begged. "Please!"

"Magnus, there's no rune! It was on Valentine's body, not yours," Alec repeated. "Just look." Keeping a careful grasp on Magnus's other hand, he opened blood-streaked fingers. Magnus stared down at his wrist. The skin was torn and bloody, dotted with indented crescents from his nails digging in, but there was no rune in sight.

"But... it was there," Magnus whispered, finally beginning to come back into himself. "I saw it there."

"Magnus, I'm so sorry," Alec murmured, pressing a kiss into Magnus's palm. "The agony rune sometimes has a lingering effect - it feels like it's still there and active even after it's gone." Magnus closed his eyes, shame washing over him at his overreaction. "Hey, it's going to be okay," Alec reassured him, pulling Magnus into a crushing hug. "I'm gonna help you. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." He reached down and picked up the abandoned washcloth, gently swiping it over Magnus's wrist to clear away the blood covering the wound before he rinsed off his own hand and twisted the water off. He cupped Magnus's cheek, brushing a calloused thumb over his cheekbone. "Come on, let's get you to bed."

Magnus allowed Alec to pull him to his feet and wrap him in a thick towel, watching numbly as the Shadowhunter quickly shed his soaked clothing before he ushered them both back out into the bedroom. Alec held out the blue silk sleeping pants Magnus had worn the first time Alec had spent the night, silently crouching down to help Magnus step into them. He slid into a pair of boxers before gently taking Magnus's injured wrist in his hand.

"Are you able to heal yourself?" he asked quietly, holding Magnus's arm like it was made of the world's finest crystal. Magnus nodded, not trusting himself to speak, and lifted his other hand, hesitantly summoning his magic, half-afraid that what had defined him for centuries would no longer be there. His knees nearly buckled in relief when shimmering blue sparks burst from his fingertips, sinking into the injury, knitting the torn skin back together. Alec smoothed his palm over the unmarked skin.

"See?" he whispered, drawing Magnus closer. "No rune."

"Alexander, I'm sorry," Magnus breathed, pressing his face into Alec's chest. "It just - I could still _feel_ it and I swear I saw it there and -"

"Magnus, hey, no, you don't need to apologize," Alec interrupted, leaning back and framing Magnus's face with his hands. "You were completely innocent in this, and you were forced to repeatedly undergo a torture rune. This is... this isn't the kind of Shadowhunter that I want to be."

"You didn't do anything," Magnus said, shaking his head. "It wasn't your fault."

"But I should have saved you sooner," his Shadowhunter murmured, the tips of his fingers brushing through the ends of Magnus's hair. "You told me it was you and I didn't believe you, I could have stopped them -"

"Alexander, it wasn't your fault," Magnus insisted. "I just... I want to forget it ever happened. Please."

Alec stared at him for a long moment before nodding solemnly and pulling him backwards towards the bed. "Come on, then," he said. "You need to sleep." He pulled back the covers and ushered Magnus underneath, clambering in after him. He wrapped his arms around Magnus and pulled him tight against his chest. Magnus lifted an exhausted hand and, with a quick flare of his fingers, extinguished the lights in the bedroom before sighing and sinking into the embrace as Alec brushed a reassuring hand up and down his back.

"I love you so much," Alec whispered with a hitch in his voice, barely audible in the darkened room. Magnus lifted his head to gaze up at his Shadowhunter, reaching up to trace the curve of Alec's upper lip with a fingertip.

"I love you, Alexander," Magnus whispered back, pulling Alec down for a soft kiss. "Thank you for saving me."

Alec kissed him again, sweet and lingering. "Always."


End file.
